Digital Speech

I get so fucking tired of talking to machines
say stuff and they don’t know what I mean
get so vexed I scream
push cell phone buttons
press 0 for the operator but only get voice recognition software
again I start to swear
They program it in that slightly husky partly raspy a little sexy computer voice
Make your selection pick your choice
From the menu list
Press one for English for Spanish press 2
This is what I do but sometimes I still can’t get through
Press 4 for more options
You must speak proper English
This is its wish
Because if you don’t your call will be dismissed
So I listen to the options and try to press the buttons quickly
put the phone back to my ear so I can hear the next command
“I didn’t understand your response,” meaning elucidate
so I clear my throat and try again
seems like there’s no end
I need more patience to practice Zen
The machine drones along
I’ve been holding on so long
I raise my voice and say, “What the fuck is going on!”
I get peppered with questions
“I am sorry I did not understand that”
Is that cuz I talk too black?
Or maybe my speech is too slurred
I’m stumbling over my words
I say it for the third time
A waste of my time
The machine repeats the same line
It wants to know my birthday social security number ID pin what I ate for breakfast a list of all my sins
If I like Pepsi or Coke
Once again my answers are revoked
I start freaking out because I forgot the long list of choices
Press 3 for billing
Press 4 for tech support
Press 5 to repeat these options
Press * to speak to representative
Press 6 to update your account information
Press 7 to enter your birthday for example 11 04 1959
Press 8 just for the hell of it
Press 9 to end this call
I get placed on hold and my call gets dropped, then I have to call all over again